My once upon a time busy raunchy days
Now reduced to his comings and goings.
Adjusting to a new life.
Learning to cook a meal,
Settling the cupboards,
Ordering the servants,
Learning about menus
Wednesday, January 6, 2021
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Random worries 2010
Fortune. It is all elusive. Mission .Completely confusing. Details are very boring .Writing . Very exciting.Task seems so difficult. Always the question what to write.There is so much happening in our own lives I don't understand why there should always be the question of what to write. The mind seems so clogged up with what is right and wrong what to write and not write that always it is in a state of utter confusion. Actually there is more to hide . The mind is not yet matured to handle honesty..We forget that everyday is a story.
I like the recluse of my workplace. It makes me forget the worries and questions of money.
Recently I have lost my mobile. There is no money to buy another. Getting used to life without the constant disturbance and reliance of the cell. Though I miss it when I cannot play games. My shoes hurt . It is tedious to walk every day that long stretch to work everyday.
I look at the others around me. Does everyone have worries? Long to go back to those days when all I had to do was tell mother of what I needed. How did she manage?
Follow the music of your soul. There is nothing more beautiful than this. Free! Free!
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerfol than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.
I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.
I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. W hy did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkeled, her body thinning every day, her eye holow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existance. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.
She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerfol than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.
I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.
I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. W hy did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkeled, her body thinning every day, her eye holow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existance. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.
She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Random thoughts 2010
Follow the music of your soul. There is nothing more beautiful than this. Free! Free!
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerful than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.
I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.
I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. Why did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkled, her body thinning every day, her eye hollow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existence. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.
She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerful than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.
I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.
I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. Why did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkled, her body thinning every day, her eye hollow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existence. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.
She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
For some time I have been wondering about my life. I know, soon my life will have a change. Iam an aquarian. I am used to flowing. A part of me is always elusive. Nothing can hold me. I believe in God . It is a feverish belief. I converse with God. I feel peace. For me life matters. I have dreams, hopes and aspirations. But Who Doesn't? I fulfill them only with prayers.
I see myself as alone in life. No one with me.Even when I was small. It is strange. I don't believe in fulfilling my dreams through someone else. Not even my husband. It doesn' t work out. Everyone is responsible for their own lives. It is selfish to burden someone else with your wantings .
For sometime now I feel I have to wait. I cannot want too much. I am at the crossroads. Waiting for something to happen.
Green blue, yellow.... all colours. Colours of life. Something must happen always. I don't know what?
Peace. Who is responsible for it?. We always blame others for our peaceless existence. What is more important than your mind?
My husband gives me a lift everyday to work. It is quite early in the morning. 7.30. Shouldn't I be then enjoying the beauty of the new day. The blue summer sky, the fresh green trees;all washed by the night's rain . No I prefer to brood and complain. My mind all tangled with thoughts of marriage and worries. I curse myself in a moment of realisation. What have I learnt then from all the readings?
If one is self contained nothing can hurt. It is important to keep certain doors closed. As long as the heart is opened to God nothing matters.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tough times 2010
Time is tough.
Mother sick. Don't know what awaits in life. Mother is so precious. So many memories. The strength she has instilled in me. The woman she has made me into. All those moments of growing up. Never agreed with her on so many things. Moments of frustrations when I wanted her as a friend and not a mother. She never gave me her hand then. The fights I had with her. The arguments, the hostility,and the heartbreaks when I married against the wishes of my family.
What will happen now? She is not going to be there for long.
How fastidious she was as a mother! Everything had to be perfect for her family. Today nothing is perfect for her .The cancer is eating into her. Everyday something is missing. She is now just a child. No emotions run through me as I write. God has prepared me for the worst. I have to do my duties. I cannot let her down.
How will life be without Ma? I don't even want to think.
I have left everything to God . He will look after my family and me . He will make things right. He has never deserted me. My mother will always remain with me in what she has taught me. She has never taught me wrong. She taught me to believe in God. In time I became My own person I wanted her to learn a lot from me. I wanted her to share so many things with me. Iwanted her tto change a little bit so that she would be a little more free.
Even today lying in the hospital, her mind is embroiled in the tangle of her household and the running of it. She can do nothing and we are struggling to run her household in her line. She controlled everything. We don't know anything. The going is definitely tough.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
10 Mins of Thoughts for Today
Charles Baudelaire said that even in prose there should be poetry. I quite liked that.
Why are we always so preoccupied with only what is apparent? Why do we see only the twinkling stars and the rough waves??
The mystery of the Universe or the underwater does not appeal to everybody. If only we could all just see below the surface.
Sadness is a state of mind. Happiness is another state.No one can make you happy or sad. Only yourself. Life flows. It is good to keep on wanting but you have to know what you want. One of the principles of success is knowing what you want.
Often I 'm confused . The mind seems to be caught in a web of wantings. That is not good.
Is it because so much is still undone? So many wishes still unaccomplished?? So many dreams still to fulfill.This state of confusion is not good for the family. Others seem to be quite satisfied with how life is working out.
God has always answered my prayers.
Melancholia. Insanity. Cravings. Artistic. Red. Green journey. Now I don't know what that means .
I am not thinking. I am just writing. Fear. Excitement. Love. Jealousy. Marriage. Problems. Prayer. Feminine intelligence.
Love . It is important. Golden hues In the night sky.. The Aurora. Mystic hues. Appealing. Too many troubles. Mind unsteady. Unsatisfaction. Question. Fluffy eyes, and swollen lips.
Limp hair. Slowly wrinkling skin. Aging mother and father. Worries only worries. Can the mind ever be free.?
The green maidan.Empty grey space overhead.The circling wide horizon .
Far away the distant sounds of busy cars and blaring horns from more busy drivers. When will people stop to run?
Somewhere in the distant past there were many dreams.There was feverish activity , vivacity and the struggling rebellions to be free.
That was youth.Radiant skin,hungry eyes and swaying strides . Bright jholas hanging from the shoulders, thickly kholed eyes and above all the freshness and that elusive innocence. Every thing was about a statement. It was like being God's only creation
Why are we always so preoccupied with only what is apparent? Why do we see only the twinkling stars and the rough waves??
The mystery of the Universe or the underwater does not appeal to everybody. If only we could all just see below the surface.
Sadness is a state of mind. Happiness is another state.No one can make you happy or sad. Only yourself. Life flows. It is good to keep on wanting but you have to know what you want. One of the principles of success is knowing what you want.
Often I 'm confused . The mind seems to be caught in a web of wantings. That is not good.
Is it because so much is still undone? So many wishes still unaccomplished?? So many dreams still to fulfill.This state of confusion is not good for the family. Others seem to be quite satisfied with how life is working out.
God has always answered my prayers.
Melancholia. Insanity. Cravings. Artistic. Red. Green journey. Now I don't know what that means .
I am not thinking. I am just writing. Fear. Excitement. Love. Jealousy. Marriage. Problems. Prayer. Feminine intelligence.
Love . It is important. Golden hues In the night sky.. The Aurora. Mystic hues. Appealing. Too many troubles. Mind unsteady. Unsatisfaction. Question. Fluffy eyes, and swollen lips.
Limp hair. Slowly wrinkling skin. Aging mother and father. Worries only worries. Can the mind ever be free.?
The green maidan.Empty grey space overhead.The circling wide horizon .
Far away the distant sounds of busy cars and blaring horns from more busy drivers. When will people stop to run?
Somewhere in the distant past there were many dreams.There was feverish activity , vivacity and the struggling rebellions to be free.
That was youth.Radiant skin,hungry eyes and swaying strides . Bright jholas hanging from the shoulders, thickly kholed eyes and above all the freshness and that elusive innocence. Every thing was about a statement. It was like being God's only creation
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