After marriage afterthought 1994

Idly I wait .

My once upon a time busy raunchy days

Now reduced to his comings and goings.

Adjusting to a new life.

Learning to cook a meal,

Settling the cupboards,

Ordering the servants,

Learning about menus

Random worries 2010

Fortune. It is all elusive. Mission .Completely confusing. Details are very boring .Writing . Very exciting.Task seems so difficult. Always the question what to write.There is so much happening in our own lives I don't understand why there should always be the question of what to write. The mind seems so clogged up with what is right and wrong what to write and not write that always it is in a state of utter confusion. Actually there is more to hide . The mind is not yet matured to handle honesty..We forget that everyday is a story.

I like the recluse of my workplace. It makes me forget the worries and questions of money.

Recently I have lost my mobile. There is no money to buy another. Getting used to life without the constant disturbance and reliance of the cell. Though I miss it when I cannot play games. My shoes hurt . It is tedious to walk every day that long stretch to work everyday.

I look at the others around me. Does everyone have worries? Long to go back to those days when all I had to do was tell mother of what I needed. How did she manage?

Random thoughts 2010

Follow the music of your soul. There is nothing more beautiful than this. Free! Free!
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerful than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.

I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.

I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. Why did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkled, her body thinning every day, her eye hollow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existence. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.

She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?

Tough times 2010

Time is tough.

Mother sick. Don't know what awaits in life. Mother is so precious. So many memories. The strength she has instilled in me. The woman she has made me into. All those moments of growing up. Never agreed with her on so many things. Moments of frustrations when I wanted her as a friend and not a mother. She never gave me her hand then. The fights I had with her. The arguments, the hostility,and the heartbreaks when I married against the wishes of my family.

What will happen now? She is not going to be there for long.

How fastidious she was as a mother! Everything had to be perfect for her family. Today nothing is perfect for her .The cancer is eating into her. Everyday something is missing. She is now just a child. No emotions run through me as I write. God has prepared me for the worst. I have to do my duties. I cannot let her down.

How will life be without Ma? I don't even want to think.

I have left everything to God . He will look after my family and me . He will make things right. He has never deserted me. My mother will always remain with me in what she has taught me. She has never taught me wrong. She taught me to believe in God. In time I became My own person I wanted her to learn a lot from me. I wanted her to share so many things with me. Iwanted her tto change a little bit so that she would be a little more free.

Even today lying in the hospital, her mind is embroiled in the tangle of her household and the running of it. She can do nothing and we are struggling to run her household in her line. She controlled everything. We don't know anything. The going is definitely tough.

Freewheeling 2010

I like colour. I don't like detail.

I am not a detail's person. Probably that makes me not so successful.

I like to skim through things. Too many details bother me. That is probably why I am not a perfectionist .

It is good to be a perfectionist. I envy them. At times I feel too much of perfection

makes them look down upon others.

I like to lead my life in a happy go lucky manner. Not that it always works for me.

I like to play with colours.

My daughter loves it when I wear blue. I know the colour becomes me.Basic shades are for me. Red,green,blue,black,yellow,white. That makes for my wardobe.

Pastels are not for me. They are too feminine and not earthy enough for my character.

My colours have to be strong. They have to reflect me,not me them.

In school I had bitten nails. A sign of nervousness for sure.Remember my awkward growing days!

Then one fine day I started growing my nails. I experiment with a wide range of nail colour. Again red,blue, black, navy blue, shocking pink. I have yet to buy a green and a yellow shade.

With my husband's bright idea I experimented alternating with coordinating shades.

An off white sari will see me with red and golden nails.

A black outfit with black and gold/ silver.

My daughter finds it amusing. She is not very much for Experimenting. I let her be how she is.

I know I have Influence on her. Some day it will show