Random thoughts 2010

Follow the music of your soul. There is nothing more beautiful than this. Free! Free!
Free from the screamings of the world, the wantings of the heart. and the cryings of the mind. The cramming, biting, hurtings of wantings for another person. The pain of deceit and lies. The loss of trust. T he empty, unending hollowness when nothing remains.
Freedom. What is it? I don't know. I don't want it. What is life without worries and care? Nothing.
Nothingness is frightening. I have a calling. I don't know what it is. I move on as one by one the doors open before me. I don't think. I cannot think . It gets confusing. I pray to God to stop me if ever I take the wrong road.
Sometimes straight, sometimes right or left, I walk on. Through meandering alleys and highways toward something , somewhere I don't know.
I have learnt to trust in God. There is nothing more powerful than his blessings.
My mind is clear.
I feel strong and ruthless. Alone and powerful. Blessed.

I cannot think anymore. Is my mother dying? When will she die? What plans does God have for her? after sometimes her life is Hers, my father's his ; my brother's and mine ,ours.
We all have to live our own lives. Suffer for the mistakes we make. I don't ask any questions anymore. I just want to sit silently, the coolbreeze pinching my face and listen to the music of my soul.

I long for another thing I long to be small again,t o be protected by my parents, sleep between them. I long for the days when my father would come home with so many chocolates. I long for the days when my mother's skin was all fair and radiant, when she laughed so loudly that one could tell there was no sorrow in her soul.
I loved my mother's Pink nylon sari . She always carried a milk white bag whenever she wore it.
I admired her range of pink and red lipsticks arranged neatly on the dressing table. She always smiled. She was stylish in her own way. Why did she suddenly have to turn so sad and old . Her skin all wrinkled, her body thinning every day, her eye hollow and hollow; her hopes dying and her soul crying to be delivered from the struggling existence. I don't think any more, Till she has chores to complete ,she has to live. Amen.

She has given me and my brother a great gift. She has taught us to pursue our dreams. But hers? Can nothing be made better?